Attachment Styles in Relationships: Understanding How We Lov

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking “Why do I always react like this in relationships?” or “Why do I keep choosing the same type of partner?” — you’re not alone.

From an integrative therapy perspective, one helpful way of making sense of relationship patterns is through attachment styles. Attachment theory isn’t about blaming you or labelling you as “good” or “bad” at relationships. It’s about understanding how your nervous system learned to feel safe (or unsafe) with closeness, love, and connection.

Once you understand your attachment style, relationships often start to make a lot more sense.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles develop early in life, usually through our first relationships with caregivers. These early experiences shape how we connect with others as adults — especially in romantic relationships.

There are four main attachment styles commonly talked about in therapy:

• Secure attachment
• Anxious attachment
• Avoidant attachment
• Fearful-avoidant (sometimes called disorganised) attachment

Most people don’t fit neatly into one box. You might recognise yourself in parts of more than one, and attachment styles can also change over time.

Secure Attachment: Feeling Safe in Connection

People with a secure attachment style generally feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They can communicate their needs, trust their partner, and cope with conflict without feeling overwhelmed.

What it might look like:

• You feel okay being close but also okay having space
• You trust your partner’s intentions
• Arguments feel uncomfortable but not terrifying

Secure attachment doesn’t mean you never struggle — it means you feel emotionally safe enough to work through challenges.

Actionable step:
If secure attachment feels unfamiliar, that’s okay. Therapy can help you learn emotional safety, even if it wasn’t modelled for you early on.

Anxious Attachment: When Love Feels Uncertain

With an anxious attachment style, relationships can feel intense and emotionally charged. There’s often a deep fear of abandonment and a strong need for reassurance.

What it might look like:

• Overthinking texts or tone changes
• Feeling panicked when a partner pulls away
• People-pleasing or losing yourself in relationships

From an integrative therapy lens, this isn’t “neediness” — it’s a nervous system searching for safety.

Actionable steps:

• Practice noticing triggers (for example, silence or distance)
• Learn self-soothing techniques to calm the body
• Work on expressing needs directly rather than through anxiety

Avoidant Attachment: Keeping Emotional Distance

People with an avoidant attachment style often value independence highly and can feel uncomfortable with too much emotional closeness.

What it might look like:

• Pulling away when things get serious
• Feeling overwhelmed by emotional needs
• Shutting down during conflict

Avoidant attachment often develops when emotional needs weren’t consistently met, so self-reliance became a form of protection.

Actionable steps:

• Notice when you’re emotionally shutting down
• Practice staying present during difficult conversations
• Explore what closeness means to you, at your own pace

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Wanting Love, Fearing It Too

Fearful-avoidant attachment combines both anxiety and avoidance. There’s often a strong desire for connection, alongside a fear of getting hurt.

What it might look like:

• Intense relationships that feel unstable
• Pushing partners away, then pulling them back
• Feeling confused about what you want

This attachment style is often linked to past trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

Actionable steps:

• Focus on emotional regulation and grounding
• Build awareness around push-pull patterns
• Work with a therapist to create a sense of internal safety

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes — absolutely. One of the most hopeful things about attachment theory is that attachment styles are not fixed.

Through:

• Therapy
• Healthy relationships
• Self-reflection and emotional awareness

…many people move towards a more secure attachment style over time.

From an integrative therapy perspective, this might include working with:

• Thoughts and beliefs about relationships
• Emotional patterns and unmet needs
• The body and nervous system
• Past relational experiences

Final Thoughts

Understanding your attachment style isn’t about criticising yourself or your past. It’s about compassion. When you can say “This makes sense, given what I’ve been through”, real change becomes possible.

If you notice repeating relationship patterns, therapy can offer a safe space to explore them — gently, at your own pace.

You’re not broken. You’re adapting. And with the right support, new ways of relating are possible.

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