Understanding Shame: A Whole-Person Approach

Understanding Shame: A Whole-Person Approach

Shame is the painful feeling that something about you is wrong, broken, or unworthy. It’s different from guilt, which is about actions (“I did something bad”). Shame goes deeper—it’s about identity (“I am bad”).

Therapists who work from an integrative perspective understand shame as layered and complex. It often shows up in four key ways:

•     In relationships: Shame can begin in early experiences of rejection, criticism, or feeling unseen. It often grows in environments where love or safety felt conditional.
•     In the body: Shame isn’t just a thought—it’s a physical experience. You might feel it as heaviness, tension, collapse, or the urge to hide.
•     In your story: Shame can be tied to personal or family history, especially if you’ve been told you were “too much,” “not enough,” or had to hide parts of yourself.
•     In culture: Shame is shaped by messages from society—about race, gender, ability, class, or other identities.

These messages can be internalized over time.

Getting Curious About Shame

Therapy invites you to explore shame gently and with compassion. Some questions we might explore together:

•     When did you first feel like you had to hide who you are?
•     What messages did you receive about being “too much” or “not enough”?
•     Where do you feel shame in your body?
•     Whose voice does this shame sound like?
•     What does the part of you that carries shame believe—and what does it need?

How Therapy Can Help

Different approaches support healing from shame in different ways:

•     Relational therapy helps you feel safe and seen in the therapeutic relationship, which can repair past wounds.
•     Somatic therapy helps you notice and release shame held in the body through breath, movement, and grounding.
•     Narrative therapy helps you re-author your story, separating shame from your identity and reclaiming your voice.
•     Parts work (like IFS) helps you connect with the part of you that carries shame and understand its role and needs.
•     Compassion-based approaches help you shift from self-criticism to kindness, building resilience and self-worth.
•     Trauma-informed care honours the roots of shame in past experiences and moves at a pace that feels safe.

Final Reflection

Shame often tells us to shrink, hide, or disconnect—but healing invites us to be seen, known, and valued. You are not alone in this work. Every part of you, even the ones that feel heavy with shame, has a story worth listening to. Therapy offers a space to meet those parts with curiosity, care, and compassion—and to begin rewriting the messages that no longer serve you.